Peacefully Parenting The 'Easily Overwhelmed' Child

I have 4 young children. I should have some of this toddler phase figured out by now - right? But just when I think I've got it licked and start to think I can pen the book on raising young children life throws me an event or behaviour to keep me on my toes. Recently that behaviour has been coming from my two (recently 3) year old daughter. The behaviour… the tantrum.

First day of school. I don't know why Myelle is upset here but you can see the storm is a comin'.

I thought I had experienced the tantrum during my boys toddler years in the form of whininess, uncontrolled crying etc. I thought that kids that threw full blown tantrums simply had parents that were unable to say 'no' or deal with their children while they were whiny or over tired. I however, felt I had it figured out. If a child is tired, take them home and give them a nap. Tantrum avoided! If the child is begging for something that they have been told they cannot have and it's turning to tears etc. Be firm. Don't give in. Make a bolt for the car and home, if possible. This was my take on avoiding tantrums. Yes sir I have this tantrum thing figured out. Kids just need boundaries and all tantrums will be avoided - Right!?

Then last spring at 9 months pregnant with one child in school and two at home with me during the day, little Mimi started throwing tantrums. I'm talking plop yourself on the ground kicking and screaming tantrums. The level of the behaviour and the 'triggers' shocked me, frazzled me, OVERWHELMED ME. First of all, they were hard to predict. The events that would set off a tantrum could be anything from an adult that she was shy around looking at her the wrong way or a kid at Strong Start touching her when she didn't want to be touched, or her pony tail being to tight or simply not wanting to walk any more in the grocery store. Any event it seemed could set off the tantrum. Once started, no verbal cue could avert it. No form of discipline seemed to work it seemed that the storm had rolled in and all I could do was helplessly wait it out.

My short term plan of action was to find an escape route. Yes I avoided things that I knew would set off a huge tantrum such as... -we attended Women's Bible Study at church once and after that big tantrum hullaballoo I realized that Thursday morning ladies meetings were just too much for my little girl. She wasn't ready to be left in childcare and that would just have to be something that I would need to put on hold for a season until she was ready. After all, I became a stay at home mom so that I COULD put my kids first when it came to these type of things. There were, however, many tantrum triggers that I could not predict. For those things I needed to be able to leave quickly. This meant purchasing a stroller that I could put her in so she wouldn't kick my big pregnant belly or (once Isla was born) belt her infant sister in the snuggly. I just needed to get her home. But this wasn't a long term solution. All I had learned to do was retreat. I hadn't addressed any of MY fuelling emotions that were making the tantrum worse.

EDUCATE YOURSELF
The second thing I did was get help. This took some humility on my part. I mean, I am the queen of motherhood. Besides my own kids, I've been working with preschoolers and toddlers since I was twelve. I felt I should know how to deal with this but the reality is - I didn't; and what I was doing wasn't working. I sauntered over to the Strong Start book table where they keep all the touchy feeling parenting books on how to 'Feed the Picky Child', 'Involve Dad in Parenting' and other such topics that I certainly didn't need help with (boy doesn't that sound self righteous). I picked up 'Positive Discipline.' I looked at my friend who facilitated our Strong Start program. 'Can I borrow this?' I said.
Once home my husband and I read it together discovering things that we didn't know about how toddler's brains develop, why tantrums happen and tips on how to deal with them.

REFLECT
Let's talk about me for a second cause one of the things that has helped me the most is the recognition of how tantrums affected me. I felt:

• Frustrated - nothing I was doing worked
• Embarrassed - like my child's behaviour was a slight on my ability as a parent.
• Judged by others
• Helpless - I didn't really know what to do or how i could help her.
• Scared - This one is hard to admit but let me explain. The tantrum actually scared me, in a way, because my daughter, while temperamental, is small and relatively easy to manage but being big and pregnant and then, following Isla's arrival, always having a newborn in arms, even a small child having a tantrum seemed difficult to me. She became powerful and unpredictable. 

Admitting my feelings and flipping them around to my child's perspective helped me to see how they were actually feeding into the tantrum. If you've had toddlers or preschoolers long, you know that they can smell fear, inconsistency, wavering. They can tell when your 'no' means 'no' when your 'no' means… well maybe I'll give in if your begging becomes loud or inconvenient enough for me. Am I right? I dealt with the tantrum at first by coming up with an escape route. Almost always, the tantrums occurred in public places like the school's parent and tot program (Strong Start) or the grocery store, church, sitting in Starbucks. You get the picture. Daughter flailing and EVERYONE staring.  

When I felt frustrated - Myëlle felt overwhelmed and that emotion coming from me fuelled her emotion of being overwhelmed like gasoline on a fire. When I felt embarrassed Myëlle felt ashamed. My embarrassment heaped an icky underlying feeling upon her. Now not only was she being bad but she felt shame which added to the emotions she was already feeling, thus fuelling the tantrum. When I felt helpless, she felt alone. Now not only was she stuck acting inappropriately feeling overwhelmed and shamed but also feeling like her lifeline - Mommy - could no longer help her weather the storm of her own emotions because Mommy simply didn't know what to do. Now she feels like she's alone and being abandoned by me. My fear also fed into this feeling of abandonment. AS if she was questioning 'If I had become too much for her would I ditch her?' All these big emotions are lot to deal with for  2 and 3 year old. Impossible to process and verbalize.

EMPATHIZE

Put yourself in their shoes. Have you ever thrown and adult tantrum? Women, we should be able to relate to this. Once a month (you know when I'm talking about) you become extremely irritable. Everything bothers you, loud noise, your husband's breathing at night, messes left on the floor, no one helping with dinner cleanup. We say things we regret, pick fights, utter big threats. Maybe we storm off, slam doors. Guys under stress sometimes raise their voices, become short tempered, punch a wall - whatever the behaviour is… they are adult tantrums. Our emotions become too much for us to cope with appropriately and we act out. When we act this way - how do we want to be dealt with. I know that I sure hope someone will extend a bit of grace to me and help me get to the real issue of what is bothering me while ignoring all the surface noise that I am making. The issue is not mess on the floor, it's that I need my family to feel like they care by wanting to help out and contribute to the care of the home. That I'm not ALONE in that responsibility. In the same way, the tantrum throwing child needs the same thing. They need us to ignore the 'noise' of the tantrum and get to the heart of the matter in order to grow.

ACT DON'T REACT

So I do NOT have this tantrum thing figured out yet. In fact after a summer of almost not a single tantrum, I'm writing this post after yet another full blown tantrum while dropping the boys off at school and trying to talk to the school administrator and councillor about some new medical information concerning one of the boys. It was a good reminder that I can put what I know into action and help my daughter through all of her emotions.

What  to do when a tantrum starts:

1.) REASON AND AVOID - Sometimes if you can tell a tantrum is building a simple conversation can help avert. I've found reasoning, discussion, problem solving sometimes works to avoid a tantrum but does not work to stop one (more on that in point #3) Plus my daughter is getting older and she is changing and growing in her ability to deal with overwhelming situations. This does not mean she gets her way but I have dedicated my life to being a stay at home mom so that we can do what's best for her not what is best for me. If she is showing signs of being tired before we even get to the grocery store, then maybe I need to head home and shop later.

2.) REMOVE- If the tantrum is happening, it's happening. If you are wondering if people are judging you… they may well be. Let me just say to you 'WHO CARES!' they are not the parent - YOU ARE! They have not been entrusted with this child to raise but YOU HAVE. It's a gift, not a curse and our children are treasures not burdens. I wouldn't wish an easily overwhelmed child on someone but they may well find themselves one day in your shoes like myself and become a SUPPORTER and not a judger. In the meantime do your best to ignore them and get your child to a quite place where you can wait out his or her emotions or head for home. Buy that stroller if you need to.

3.) REASSURE - Stop using inflammatory language like 'This is unacceptable behaviour.' The tantrum has already started and that is not going to help. Any gruff body language is also going to fuel and not diffuse a tantrumming child. Say things like, 'When you are ready to use your words and tell me what is wrong I am am willing to help.' There is NO negotiating or reasoning with the tantrum. I jokingly tell myself in my head 'We do not negotiate with terrorists.' Bare with me I don't view my daughter as a terrorist but I also think that a young child should not be able to steer the emotions of parents or siblings that are otherwise happy. 

4.) RELAX - Calm YOURSELF down. The tantrum will end and when it does your child will need your help at verbalizing what was going on and moving past it. You'll need to be calm. If you need to close the door and have a tea - DO IT! If you need to call a friend to calm you down - DO IT!

5.) REGULATE - One of the things that they teach kids in Kindergarten is self regulation. Once the tantrum is over. Your child needs you to help them begin to self-regulate which means calm themselves down. This is such an important skill to learn because children that do not learn to self regulate become inflammatory individuals. They will engage in a fight rather than go for a walk to calm down etc. Things you can do to self regulate are slow breathing. Breathe together with your child. Wash tears off their face with a cold cloth and hold them while they calm down.

6.) REASSURE - The important key here is not to reassure negative behaviour but to let our kids know that we love them no matter what they do. This is also where we have a conversation about why they are upset and acknowledge how they feel.

7.) RESTORE AND MAKE RESTITUTION - Restore the connection between you and your child. Walk them through the language of restoration. Talk about what was really going on with them and what was going on with you. Apologize and restore a heart connection both with each other and with God. If praying seems to help here then do that. Then, fully move on from the former behavior and display forgiveness. Don't remind them of the tantrum again through out the day.
Making restitution means that together you make right any wrong that was done during the tantrum. For example, on several occasions Myëlle lost a shoe in the field across the street while she was having a tantrum so we would walk together to collect it. If a mess was made during the tantrum then the child fixes it with you. Cushions are turned over and put back; stacks of paper are collected from the floor etc. If what caused the tantrum was a response to a consequence that is a rule in your house then that consequence is still followed up upon or if you had said 'no' to something the answer should still be 'no'. In this way we ignore the tantrum by not responding with active attention to reinforce that tantrums are a way to get what we want but we DO acknowledge the child's feelings, slowly learn self control, while not negating consequences or rules of the house.

It is for this type of thing that the saying 'this too shall pass' should comfort us. Most children start to outgrow tantrums as their language and self-regulating skills develop around age 3 or 4 but if they worsen or do not diminish as your child reaches age 4 something more may be going on and you may want to speak to your Dr. about it and seek out a referral to your Child Development Centre to see if your child needs extra help or if you can gain further tools. Seek out help sooner rather than later because, quite simply, it can't hurt. I harbored a few concerns with my kids that I left till school age and have found that the help available in public school is much less than the help available to children that are preschool age. Early intervention is always ideal.

Finally pray. Our minds, bodies and spirits are connected they are also created fearfully and wonderfully. If you don't know what is going on, He does. Prayer will help prepare you and calm you to deal with things that come your way. Prayer should always be our first lifeline not our last resort, although Jesus cares and hears just the same. For that reason He should be the first one we run to.

He who began a good work in you and in your child IS faithful to complete it.